I know we all wrestle with internal voices in our head. Ok, some may not feel comfortable admitting this out loud. I’m not talking about the silliness of talking to ourselves – isn’t it nice to be a parent and find it’s ok to have a two-way conversation with ourselves out loud. There shouldn’t be shame in the truth that we have voices in our heads. I’m going to keep it simple and not delve into this idea too much for now.
I wrestle with my own self. The part of me that isn’t so loving, the part of me that is still a little kid with its own ideas and perceptions. I’m learning to be an adult (and try to stay an adult all day long, I know we all regress to feeling like a little kid in moments through the day, well, at least I do). I’m learning to have compassion for my younger self that doesn’t get it all yet. Learning to love myself as I struggle from things that trigger me to regress and feel helpless or out of control.
To make it more personal, I struggle with being hard on myself. House cleaning and chores make me want to run and hide. I find I’m in the kitchen, on my second cup of tea, looking like I’m present but truthfully scared to know what to do next…..what thing on my to-do today list should I start with, who needs me first, the nagging in my head that I really should start the boys’ school, and then all the other things I think of to add to my to-do list. (I know the truth is it’s easier to just begin, but the irrational fears in my head sometimes are pretty loud).
As I step back, to find the truth, the listen to my internal self, stopping the other voices to find what I am truly needing in the moment. Most of this fades away, mostly as I am present, I find, it all doesn’t really matter. Of course I tend to fights, and cries from my children amongst the every day chores. But as I sit back – within myself and find what is true. I began to absorb God’s love and truth. He tells me what His perspective on all my fears of failure and not being good enough. He begins to reveal the shame that holds me in a memory. As that memory is healed, I am released to be me. Only kind loving voices reside. And His eternal perspective. It’s going to be ok, all this doesn’t really matter, just BE, worshipping and dancing….letting go and just BEING.
Yes, I step back into some of my old memories/triggers, but often these are layers. Each layer closer to living more freely and lovingly. But now they aren’t so hard or scary. I can move more freely and move out of them easily to be the adult within my spirit that I need to be, while caring for my younger self, that’s still learning and needs to be loved unconditionally.
So, as you can, step away to a quiet place (although this does get easier to practice amongst the busyness of real life and relationships). Find out what you need right now. I talk to myself – yes, you don’t have to be a parent to do this. David in the Psalms did this. He spoke to his soul out loud and told it what was good for it. Kindly ask yourself today, what do you need right now? Do it out loud. Sit and listen. It’s very fun and comforting as you do this (Ok, I was really scared at first but now it’s much more fun). Love yourself, parent yourself out of love. If it’s hard to do alone or you’re not sure what a healthy parent would say/do, ask a trustworthy person in your life, to do this with you.
It’s a healing process, but most importantly the resting in the Father’s love for me has been what carries me each day. The love and acceptance that I wouldn’t give myself, is given freely. And as more and more of myself, receives it, the days are lighter and my perspective much more different. The same situation that would frightened or overwhelmed me, is instead enjoyed or at least handled as a strong and loved/loving adult.
I hope today, you find time for yourself. Find time to know who has created you. (Locking yourself in the closet for 5 mins works). His intentions for You are good, to love you, every single day, all the time. (even when we don’t feel it, don’t feel worthy, He loves us! ) I’m resting in this truth today (and learning the dance of cleaning my living room so I can walk in it again….but that the real importance is me, and just being me as I do the things that must be done).
Thank you for letting me share and I hope you take a step in this journey of life here on earth, to love and know yourself and your Maker.